Unexpected Breakdown

This past weekend was amazing!


G and I were out and about spending quality time together Saturday and Sunday. Sunday evening we got the girls and the spent the night with us as they were to spend Memorial Day with us as well.


Memorial Day was great! The weather was beautiful and we spent the day at my Mother-in-Law's swimming in the pool and having a cook-out, enjoying familiy time.


Saturday Greg and I stopped by Sprint for me to get them to look at my phone. For a few weeks my Google Play Store hadn't been working whatsoever. Their "fix it" was to have me reset my phone. I did this and throughout the day was re-downloading apps and trying to get my phone back to how I had it appearance/function-wise. Not until later that evening did I realize what I was missing that I wasn't going to be able to get back: pictures of Elyssa.


These pictures are the ones I took of her while in the hospital using my old phone so they weren't on my current phone except as "pic frames" on my home page. Not sure if I'm explaining it correctly so all in all, it's pictures that I wouldn't be able to get back. So, of course, I freaked out. The tears were streaming down my face and I felt like I was losing my baby all over again.


G had also gotten a new phone since we were in the hospital so he didn't have those pictures on his phone. He searched for pictures on the computer that he may have backed up before getting rid of his old phone. Then I remembered I still had my old phone somewhere in the house. I quickly found it and plugged it into the charger - the picture on the background was one of the pictures I thought I had lost forever. After checking the albums folder I found the rest of them and instantly felt a wave of relief washing over my body.


Talk about a close call!








Mommy loves you, Elyssa! XOXO

The No Good, Very Bad Day

Just when I thought I was doing alright, Mother’s Day came and slapped me in the face. All of the feelings came rushing back full force and I couldn’t hold it in. Images and words from that horrible day were running through my mind – Greg walking into the room, the doctor telling us our daughter was gone, the stabbing pain in my heart, the funeral…

I woke up to my thoughts, a broken heart, and a feeling of such emptiness inside. Normally I can push the flashbacks of last year from my mind but I wasn’t able to this time. They were constant and just as painful as the day that everything happened.

With me feeling so down we didn’t really do much on Sunday. We didn’t even leave the house until late into the afternoon. We stopped by the cemetery to visit Elyssa. A good friend of mine had sent me flowers for Mother’s Day – beautiful purple irises. I put them into the vases on Elyssa’s headstone. We left the cemetery and went over to Greg’s mom’s house for a bit. After leaving her house we went and ate dinner together at a hibachi restaurant. The food was really good and the dinner date helped lift my spirits.

I’m looking forward to the pain dulling itself again. One thing is for sure, I’ve learned the lesson first hand that the pain never goes away. It’s always there and always will be there. I can tuck it away as much as possible but no matter what there are going to be times that it rushes back to the surface. But no matter what I know I’m not alone.

I’m thankful for the people in my life who are quick to lend me their shoulder to cry on, give me hugs, and remind me that everything will be okay.

Missing you more than ever, Elyssa. Fly high with the angels – I love you so much…

Then and Now

I saw this quote on a friend's status earlier today and I just had to share,

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

After reading this quote it made me think back to early 2011 when my emotions were running rampid and I was caught up in the midst of my grief, thinking I would never get past those feelings. Yet, here I am, over a year later smiling and laughing every day and feeling like my old self, just an improved version.

In a previous post I had written about a confrontation I had with an acquaintance. During this confrontation the girl stooped so low as to make a comment in regards to the loss of my daughter. I'm not going to lie, it stung. However, the main reason behind the tears was my disgust that someone could be so hateful, so low, so despicable. It's such a shame that there are people like that in this world.

Through my experiences of the past 15 months I have learned better ways to love, to grow, to overcome. I do not let the ignorant words of others get the best of me; I am better than that. I do no let the judgements of others become my opinions; I am better than that.

We all go through life but we all handle life's curveballs differently. As painful as some events can be, we learn to get past those things and to grow from them. With each mountain, we climb and strive to become better people. Then one day, when we stop to look back on our pasts we realize just how amazing we truly are as an individual, how strong we have become, how beautiful we really are, and how silly it is that we ever let anyone or anything even attempt to get in the way of who we were meant to be.

Life is an amazing thing. Don't hold back and remember to live as if there is no tomorrow, laugh until you cry, and to love as wholeheartedly as you possibly can.

Mommy loves you, Elyssa!

Time Flies

This past Friday marked a year from Elyssa’s due date. Last year I took the day off, I was a mixture of emotions that day. This year? Just a constant wondering of “I wonder what she would look like” or if she’d be taking her first steps, getting into everything she possibly could. I worked my regular work day but left about an hour early to have time to stop by her grave before going to the gym. It was a beautiful day out – the sun was shining, buttercups had popped up all around the cemetery. It was nice. The beauty of the day made the visit more heart-warming than anything else.

It’s really hard to believe that so much time has gone by since I last held Elyssa in my arms. So much has happened since then – the drama with my last job, finding a new one, and the complete 180 I’ve done emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I can truly say that I am happy these days – I have a husband who to this day still gives me butterflies, two beautiful step-daughters who as I’ve been realizing lately are growing up way too fast, an amazing group of family and friends, a job that I absolutely love. Life is good.

The wedding is just around the corner. Crazy to think that it’s a little over two months away! I’m eager to see everyone and for Greg and I to be able to share our special day with them all.

Happy Angelversary, Elyssa!

Yesterday we celebrated Elyssa’s one year angelversary. It’s hard to think that it’s already been an entire year since I delivered her. As a matter of fact, as I’m typing this and am noticing the time, it’s just a couple hours past the point in which exactly a year ago to this moment I had just given my baby back to the nurses.

I can’t even begin to describe the mixture of emotions I felt those three days in which I heard those horrible words, waited for Elyssa to arrive, and was able to hold my sweet angel in my arms. Through it all I was shown so much sympathy and loving care from the nurses at the hospital and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I am grateful for the extra 18 hours Greg and I were allowed to spend with Elyssa in our hospital room. Although our hearts ached with so much pain every second during that short amount of time, I wouldn’t trade the time I was able to have with Elyssa for anything. Time that I can never have back but would give anything for just a minute more to hold her, to kiss her soft cheeks, and to wrap her tiny hand around my finger.

As parents we all think of our own children as the most beautiful children there ever has been and that belief continues to hold true for myself as well. Elyssa is the most precious, most beautiful little girl I have ever laid eyes on. I love looking at her pictures and sharing my memories of her with others. I share her story not only to keep her memory alive but in the hopes that the loss Greg and I have endured can be the gain of some extra love shared between someone else and their children. Just knowing that our story has helped a child get an extra hug or has helped a parent to second think the complaint they are about to make about their child brings happiness to my heart.

Children are the miracles of life. Cherish the moments you have with your child. Hug them and kiss them every chance you get. Most of all, never forget to tell them (and show them) just how much you truly love them. Love is the root of all happiness and when it comes down to it, love is all we have.

Happy Birthday, my angel. You are so very loved and missed. Shine on baby girl.

Love Always,

Mommy

Sticks and Stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me"

Man...how many times have we heard that one before? But, how true it is.

Let me tell you about my week...

With Elyssa's one year angelversary looming on the horizon I have been feeling more and more anxious because I have no clue what sort of emotions I am going to be dealing with come Tuesday. Just about every five minutes of every day this week I have been thinking to myself "a year ago today..." and "if I could go back in time...". Then I stop and ask myself, why linger on the past? Why torture myself all over again with the "what ifs" and all of those "shoulda woulda couldas"? It just isn't worth doing that to myself all over again.

So today I was lurking around Facebook as I always do and I see an article with an interesting title, "Man arrested following West End murder". Being that I grew up in the west end of Richmond I immediately was curious and clicked on the link. As the page loaded my jaw literally dropped as I saw two mugshots of two men I used to hang out with a few years ago. One of which I have known since high school and the other who I met through one of my best friends. I was shocked to see their faces, disappointed for what they were facing, and my heart felt for them as I know that they truly are nice guys.

I decided to share the article on my Facebook page and soon after people who also knew these two men started commenting on the post, sharing their similar feelings of shock and surprise.

Then comes the drama...

I noticed I had a private message and went to read it. It was from a friend of mine ("A") who politely asked me if I could please take the article down. She explained that the girlfriend ("M") of one of the men didn't like that the media shares addresses of those involved and didn't want me to share that article. I considered it and went back to the post only to find that "M" was using "A's" account to comment on the article I had posted on my page.

(Let me quickly explain that I do know "M" and for several of my own personal reasons am not friends with her on Facebook.)

She quickly began accusing my friends of "sticking their noses where they don't belong", etc. Everyone, including myself, quickly responded by defending ourselves in that we were not being nosey, we were sharing news of someone we all knew and cared about. Multiple times it was pointed out that my posting the article on my personal Facebook page is incredibly mediocre in comparison to the fact that major local news stations are posting these articles on their websites and more than likely will be airing them on TV at least once today.

The so called conversation continued on and on as "M" verbally attacked others without valid reason. Pretty much just the usual blown out of proportion Facebook drama.

To get to the point of this post, the last thing "M" had to say (to me) was "maybe if you weren't such a bitch you wouldn't have a dead baby".

Boy what a can of worms she had just opened. I was utterly speechless. What is there to say that wouldn't bring me down to the same, punitive level as "M"? I decided to end my part of the converstation with the following:

"Have fun dealing w everything everyone will have to say to you now ["M"]. I'm better than you in so many ways and have been to hell and back that the strength that I have will NEVER allow a low life such as you to break me."

I felt that what I said was reasonable, right? I mean it definitely could have been worse. I had all the right in the world to say anything I wanted to. However, I refuse to allow myself to stoop down to such a level. I have enough friends and family who will be (and were) quick to jump to my defense.

Moral of the story: What a bereaved parent goes through every day from the moment they hear the news of the death of their child is NOTHING in comparison to what one person or even group of people may try to say or do to attempt to hurt me.

I love my daughter with all of my heart and what "M" fails to realize is that to me...I don't have a 'dead baby', I have a guardian angel. I have an amazing support group filled with a loving family and genuine friends. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with where my life is.

I'm just happy and nothing can take that away from me.




I love you, Elyssa, more than any words could ever express.

Fighting back the tears

The closer we get to Christmas, the more I find myself fighting back the tears. These tears tend to come during those quiet moments when I'm alone with my thoughts. Anything triggers them - a song on the radio, a certain time of day that is significant to an event during my pregnancy, or just one of those horrible flashbacks that keep running through my mind of the worst day of my life.

I try not to cry because although I miss Elyssa I am not sad anymore. I am happy that she is somewhere safe, a place that she will never have to endure the pains of life and this world. I am happy because even though I cannot hold her, I know she is everywhere around me. I know that she can hear my thoughts and words, she can feel my desires to hug her and give her kisses, she can feel my love just like I can feel hers.

However, I am dreading Christmas morning. Christmas morning 2010 I woke up pregnant, happy, and in love. That morning Elyssa's father proposed to me. It was the first moment that I truly felt as if we were a real family because we were officially engaged to be married. We were all going to live happily ever after.

I went and bought new Christmas stockings the other day. I bought one for myself, Greg, my two stepdaughters, and one for Elyssa. It's going to be hard waking up on Christmas to see only 4 of those stockings with gifts in them.

Greg and I have designed a headstone and today he is ordering it while I am at work. It's bittersweet because I am so relieved to finally be giving our daughter a headstone but I am sad at the same time because this is the one and only gift Greg and I will be able to give our daughter.

This year has been so hard. I just hope 2012 has brighter days for us all.




Missing you my angel. Fly high. Mommy loves you! XOXO